Ever since I was young I have been tortured with mental instability that has in every way possible hindered my growth from becoming a pleasant, content, young adult. Since elementary school I have suffered with a severe case of OCD, anxiety, and depression. I was never self-accepting and always striving to make it a clear point that it was not worth living. I was unfortunately caught in a family crisis that left me abandoned from any affection or guidance. As time went on and I matured into my preteen years, things only got worse. On top of my already diagnosed illnesses, bipolar, various mood disorders, PTSD, classified drug and alcohol addiction were added to the cornucopia of diagnoses. Multiple trips to the hospital and outpatient therapies set me back from ever truly feeling like I belonged, even though I was always very well liked in most social situations. After one too many mistakes with the law, my education, and my decisions my parents made up their minds to send me into more intensive therapeutic settings.
I started out by going to a wilderness program, moved into a therapeutic boarding school, transferred to an institution, and finally was placed in a residential treatment center that turned my life around. These various programs took me from my home for three long years, from the tender ages 13 to 16. The last placement I was in really opened my eyes to the fact that I was in need of a change, and if I didn’t act soon my life would very likely be in danger for the rest of my existence. I was released a little less than a year ago and brought home, and although the journey I endeavored was very helpful there were still some unsolved issues. I had not received any correct help that could have taken my more serious symptoms of bipolar away, or at least put them to rest. These symptoms included; extreme paranoia, violent irritability, volatile thoughts that held the possibility of putting myself and others in harms way, unbearable mood swings, unreliable sleep patterns, nightmares that haunted my days, and the inability to become calm or relaxed. After months of crying to my mother about needing to change, she found Dr. P who has been treating me with the one remedy that has really made a difference in my life; ketamine. Learning that I have bipolar disorder with the fear of harm subtype was the answer to all of my questions.
At first I was nervous to begin the process because ketamine is used as a recreational drug and based on my history I was scared I would become addicted to it. Also, I thought that ketamine would make me bland and completely take away my outgoing personality. After weighing the pros and cons of the situation I decided to give ketamine a try for the sake of another chance for change. I wasn’t convinced at first, I honestly only looked forward to the ketamine administration because it was the closest feeling I had to utopia. For the first few months I was doubtful because I couldn’t see or feel consistent change. I would have a couple of really good days, and then a week of bad ones. Also, I began to hate the administration because my side effects became impairing.
Then, after about three months my anger vanished over night. Soon after, I found myself calm and peaceful living in a rational mindset. My sleep started becoming regular and my nightmares went away. Finally, I was feeling great! I had hope! Now, six months later I have become a genuinely confident, happy young adult that can last longer than a day without wanting to self-sabotage. The only issue I somewhat continue to struggle with is paranoia that can easily convince me that someone has died or someone is watching me.
I realize that ketamine does most of the work, but I need to put in the same effort to fully change my life. For now I am greatly appreciative for the opportunity Dr. P has given me. My life has really changed for the better, and I will never allow myself to go back to the way it used to be.